Thursday, September 29, 2011

maggots, hairspray, and duck tape

I wanted to throw something in my compost garbage can yesterday, and thought my kids had actually done something without being asked. A short-lived fantasie, I assure you. What I thought was the old spaghatti in the garbage, wasn't. I knew this because Spaghetti doesn't wiggle. (although, if we leave it a little longer in the back of the fridge...) Anyway, every inch of the garbage can, from top to bottom, was a squirming mass of maggots. This explaind the fly epidemic in my kitchen, as the garbage can is close to the open window. But, I'll get back to that part of the story...
The maggot fester called for immediate and drastic attention. And drastic I was. I didn't have any sort of Raid bug killer. I thought for a moment, and decided to blast them with a can of extra hold Syoss hair spray. I thought I could freeze the little bastards in mid-squirm. I was wrong. They were a bit stiffer, but still very much alive. Next I tried Scrubbing Bubbles Bathroom Cleaner. Anything that can wipe out soap scum can certinaly kill maggots. On the contrary. All it did was wash the hair spray off of them. I decided to scan the garage... Tomatoe fertilizer? No, that would probably make them grow. How about the spray that was suppossed to keep the cats from shitting in my garden, but didn't. Why not. More spraying. I could only stand to keep the lid open for a few seconds, it is, after all, a compost full of rotting food, and, well, the maggots. Every time I closed the lid, I would SLAM it shut. I was trying to get the ones all over the inside of the lid to fall off. Spray, gag, slam. Spray, gag, slam. It was then I realised I was in view of about seven neighbors. In a country where recycling is important enough to color code four different garbage cans, poisoning the compost that will be used to renourish Mother Earth didn't seem like something I should do...(at least not when the neighbors can see me) I stopped spraying. Actually, there was a toxic mushroom cloud forming above the garbage can, so it was time anyway. The maggots didn't die. I think it was a case of "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." They say a cockroach can survive a nuclear war. I believe maggots can too.
Defeated by the maggots, I decided to tackle the flies. I thought about those fly strips you hang from the ceiling. I figured I could make my own with double sided duck tape. Duck tape is a personal favorite of mine. I use it for small home repairs, cracked car bumpers, and various sewing projects. I thought it was genius to catch flies with it. I hung two strips of it from the kitchen cupboard doors and smeared them, front and back, with honey and molasses.
Then I waited. And waited. After two hours, I had caught no flies. I believe it attracted several more into my kitchen, but none of them landed on my tape. The honey and molasses, by the way, ran down the tape and dripped everywhere.
So that's my story. I figure I have tainted the magots to the point of producing two headed, three winged flies that have stylish hair, are resistant to soap scum, and repel cats.