Monday, August 26, 2013

VMA 2013

Since the VMA's are still vividly etched on that tiny part of my brain reserved for shit that should immediatly be forgotten, I'll blog about it.

Ms. Lady Gaga... You went from a Nun-in-the-box to a mermaid. I respect your creativity, I think. In an attempt to find the germaneness between the two, I googled the song text. Surely the words will tie it all together... Unfortunately, the song is too new for your devoted Monsters to collage a YouTube video. Alas, I will wait.

Ms. Miley... You, my dear, went from wearing a Chuck E.Cheese costume to a pole dancer. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you doggie-styled with Beatlejuice. And can I assume you were at a baseball game before you arrived? It's the only place I can think of to get a Fan Finger. I don't even know where to begin with that whole thing. I think Will Smith and his kids pretty much sum it up...

'Nuff said.

Mr. Justin - Thank you SO MUCH for saving the face of America. Seriously. You brought class to a show that would have gone down in history as Trashity-trash.

My sister watched Justin in awe last night. She all but whispered, "Oh my God, it's all of them." The lights were off, but I'm sure she had tears in her eyes. And then came my question... All of who? Who are they? Oh the shame. To have never seen the SNL Justin/Jimmy video Cock In A Box was tolerable for her, but to not know who these apparent Gods were, unfathomable. So I googled. Well, they can't be THAT famous, I found nothing but plumbing web sites for In-Sink.

I do have one question for Mr. Timberlake. Why was Miss Piggy one of your back up dancers? Did you owe Kermit a huge favor? If so, your debt is paid.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Strap-on Yoga

Today I went to the convention center to check out the slow food show. I'm not sure if it was someones idea of a joke, but they were also having a yoga show.  The stench aroma of sandalwood incense, and people who look like poster children of starving Ethiopians. Maybe it was my imagination, but a lot of them had black circles under their eyes. Lots of Vegan food choices. Mmmmmm. There was a line for the spinach shakes. One apple, one banana, a hand full of spinach, a pinch of salt, and water. I was a bit perplexed about the organic apples they were using. Aren't the worms in them technically meat? I'm just sayin... Then there was the yoga wall. Quite interesting, possibly arousing. The yoga wall was equipped with straps of sorts. Women were strapping themselves onto the wall, and then flipping upside-down, no, wait... that can't be right. Okay, I don't know how the women ended up the way they did. One was upside down, back against the wall, legs bent over her back,... no that can't be. Her legs were. well I'll be damned if I know. It wasn't right. Her head was not touching the ground, (remember the straps) and there was another woman who was kind of kneeling underneath the strapped woman supporting her shoulders with her knees. It was very kamasutra, and from the beet-red color of the woman's face, it didn't look healthy or zen like.
   I REALLY need to talk about Vogua. Not be confused with Vogue, Vogua is  vegan/yoga fashion.  Women under forty have barber shop haircuts.  Women over fifty have long grey hair with no shape or style or cut.  The ten years between forty and fifty are spent growing out their hair.   And I'm all for natural fabric and fibers. Linen and cotton are great, but linen and cotton dyed with beet juice and algae isn't attractive. especially when you border it with burlap. Burlap should never be worn. ever.
   Also, just a tip on hygiene. Go ahead and wear sandals, but for god sakes pedicure your feet. And do I really need to tell you to shave your armpits if you're going to be handing people plates of vegan goodies all day? Really?
I know I need to lose weight, and I know Farmville isn't considered exercise.  Lord knows I am just about the last person on earth to give fashion advice, but I just had to get this off my chest.  I have to admit, the shake did compel me to dust off my blender, and buy some fresh fruit. So I'm off to whip up a Margarita. Enjoy!