Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Old McGaiser had a farm E-I-E-I-O

My pig is 99% ready. I don’t know what happens when he is a full 100%. Will he be sent off to market Jiggedy-Jig? When my rabbit was 100% I shaved it for it’s angora. But pigs don’t have fur - pigs have bacon. It’s all quite exciting. OH! My pig just oinked - I’ll be right back…False alarm, he’s still at 99%.
Two of my horses are at 58%, and one is at 20%. I haven’t had them long, so I don’t think they will have to go to the Elmer’s Spa when they are 100%.
After spending 10,000 on a dairy farm I realized I didn’t have any cows. An embarrassing oversight I must admit. But my son Patrick helps out around the farm, and was able to get me not one, but TWO cows. This in turn gave me more fertilizer for my crops. Let’s be honest - Soybeans can never have enough fertilizer.
I know, I know, soybeans. It sounds so… well, nerdy. But after spending a full fifteen minutes in the seed department of the market I concluded soybeans would give me the highest yield, and two XP’s per field planted.
I am going to get a little crazy today and plant Super Pumpkins. I can only sell them for 3.6% of what I paid for the seeds verses 4.2% that I am getting for the soybeans, and I am only getting one XP per field but I just LOVE GIANT PUMPKINS. Reckless, I know, but all work and no play makes Liz a dull girl.
Excuse me while I check on my pig. Pig (as I so fondly call him) now has a pink candy-corn thingy above his head. TRUFFELS! Pig has collected truffles, and I have collected coins! I didn’t know pig would be so talented. Now I feel absolutely awful letting Patrick pen up all my animals. Not only did he pen them up, he told them to STAY. Are the not all god’s creatures? Do they not have the right to roam about the farm as they please?
FREE RANGE FOR FARMVILLE ANIMALS! (and while I’m at it, range free - lest Pig ends up on the breakfast table…)
I am starting a Facebook Cause. You can’t force the animals to stand in one spot day after grueling day. Rotate them for cryin’ out loud!
I am off to take down my whitewash fence. A waist of three hundred gold coins per fence, but maybe I can use them to decorate.
OH! Mystery gifts! Now I really have to go. Remember, Free your Farmville Animals!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Backing Out

Margaret and Sharon - Friends, neighbours, and Garden Artists.

Two driveways side by side separated by a beautiful three-foot-wide flowerbed.

I walked out the back door and to my horror saw my mother trying to back her car out of my sister's driveway. She had Adam (my 21 year old nephew) in the back seat and was going to give him a ride home. When I "arrived on the scene" her car was kitty-corner in the driveway and about to hit the front porch. She straighted it out, and now all she had to do was back straight up. That's it. But she kept backing into the flowers - actually, she kept backing down the row of flowers between the two driveways.
...Mom, get out of the car! Mom, you're in the flowers!
...No I'm not! (Pulls forward, backs up again EVEN FURTHER into, and down the flowerbed)
...MOM! (I bang on car window) PULL FORWARD AND GET OUT OF THE CAR!
meanwhile... Adam is sitting in the back seat. Just sitting there, kind of staring at me like maybe it's Aunt Liz that is crazy. And my mother has a manical look in her eye. It's frightening. Pam (who resides in the house from aforementioned flowerbed has arrived from walking the dog and is standing on the sidewalk. She KNOWS not to try and walk behind my mother's car because if she does, Sally WILL floor the gas and run her over. So she stands, leash in hand, and wonders if maybe she is having a bizarre dream. Meanwhile, Ray (my sister's boyfriend) has pulled up in his (stupid-ass-butt-ugly) Hummer. He stops in the middle of pulling in, and cuts the engine. I am still yelling...
When (enter holy music) Margaret (my sister, owner of house and driveway. Co-owner of driver, and mother of passanger in car) comes walking up the sidewalk.
Thank God! It's Margaret! Margaret will make everything better! Margaret will fix everything.
I don't think Margaret noticed me, or Pam with dog in tow, or Ray, or Ray's (stupid-ass-butt-ugly) Hummer. Or the small crowd that had begun to gather. No, what Margaret saw was her first-born sitting (clueless) in the back seat of a crazy old woman‘s car. He mind flashed through twenty-one years of memories starting with pushing out a 12-pound baby boy and ending with the last time they hugged.
She calmly walked over to the car...
...Hi Adam. Would mind getting out of Gramma's car? That‘s right. Just get out please....
Adam got out (still clueless) and Margaret looks at my mom and says...
... Okay Mom, your fine, just keep backing up, I'll see you tomorrow...
Sally backs down the through the flowers, which are literally crunching and snapping, pulls into the street, and proceeds to drive (in the wrong direction) home. Black-eyed Susans' hanging out of her muffler.