Are you wearing...slacks?

I got out my seasonal wardrobe only to find I have bing eaten myself up another size.
I should have seen the weight gain by looking in the mirror, but I have a disease. It’s called Canorexia. (I can eat anything, in any amount, and stay slim. Not.)It’s the opposite of anorexia, whereas, when I look in the mirror I see a very thin person. I turn to admire my ass and say to myself, “Damn, Girl, you are lookin’ F-I-N-E fine. So, I did what any person in denial would do. I went and bought new clothes.
Shopping for fat clothes in Germany isn’t easy. I started at a store called Adler. They have sizes all the way up to pretty darn big, but they are tailored to suit the taste of an eighty year old. A hip eighty year old, mind you, but old just the same. Women’s clothing goes up to size 46 here. This is (according to the trusty internet) a size 16 in the USA. However, the German size 46 is a US 16 regular. (German’s don’t have teens, ladies, and women’s sizes) Furthermore, Sizes in the US aren’t exactly kosher these past few years. A 16 is actually what used to be an 18. Americans are gaining weight, and the fashion industry ought to be ashamed of themselves. What better way to get a fat lady to buy your clothes than to tell her she is a size 14 when in reality she is a size 16 or 18. Even better for a size 18 to think she has actually dropped a size. Let me sum it up this way. When I go home every summer I am slender in comparison to other Wal-Mart shoppers. (okay, so maybe that was a bad example.) In any case, I can go into any store at the Mall and find clothes that fit me. Whereas here, I cannot squeeze my ass into a size 46. No way, no how. And I am banished to “the section”. This is an itty-bitty corner of the store with clothes for “women like me”. I have a selection of four different slacks, yes, slacks. Not even pants, these are slacks. And knit tops with a waist band. Why would you make clothes for fat people with a waist band? Who does that? Thin people, that’s who. And let us not forget quilted vests. A staple in fat lady clothes. I dare say the clothes advertised in the back of the TV guide are nicer. The ones next to the Stair Chair Lift. “Thanks to Stair Chair, I got my independence back!” (And the old women sitting in the chair is wearing the slacks and vest.)
In all fairness to German Fatty fashion, they are up-to-date (German’s love to use that phrase…ap to dät) in the latest colors. Which, by the way, are purple and lilac. Nothing says fashion like a size 18 purple knit waist banded top with a vest...
My shopping trip wasn’t a total loss. I bought a bra. A bra that fit! This is (especially for fat folks) a Godsend. And, not to get even more off track than I already am, I have been wearing my mothers bras. They were new mind you, but my mothers just the same. So… yes, a new bra for Liz. Got it home, washed it in the bathroom sink with my finest Head and Shoulders, and hung it to dry. Put it on this morning, and the strap felt funny. Hummm… Took it off to inspect, and the strap was twisted. Every time I untwisted it, the bra cups were twisted. It was like one of those metal brain teaser puzzles. I ended up cutting the strap, rethreading it through the plastic thingy, and sewing it up again.
I guess I’ll go on a diet. That way, when I go home this summer, I can fit into a size 12.