The phone's for you...

I’ve never had much luck with cell phones. Actually, I’ve never had ANY luck with cell phones. I know it’s not rocket science, but they just don’t work for me. Literally.
I thought it was because I always got someone else’s old phone. When my friend Shanna moved back to America she left me her “German Handy”, complete with chip card, or sim card or whatever the heck it’s called. But it never worked. I entered the pin number but it wanted a puke or is that PUK number. So I entered the puke number, and it told me that I was an idiot, (Actually sent me a personal SMS saying just that.)and it locked forever. It is still in the drawer, and every once in a while I get it out and press the buttons. Last time it said, “Nope Liz, you’re still too stupid to use Shanna’s old phone. Another American moved into Shanna’s house, and three years later, she too endowed her Handy to me. It was pink and bling-blingy. And I think it had a few rap songs still on it. (Not that I would be able to get to them, my kids found them.)
Anyway… Same thing, Pin number, pukey number, secret code, mission impossible. This phone will self destruct within 30 seconds of messing with it. And sure enough, it did. I found it in pieces next to my computer. My kids took it apart.
My kids have phones. They work just fine… unless I borrow one. I took my daughters one night as I would be out late, and the entire night I was really annoyed with whoever it was in the restaurant that kept letting their cell phone ring - or rather BLAIR a really stupid German ditty… Schni Schna Schnappi Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp. Over and over it played. (and over, and over…) And yes, it was the phone in my purse.
Last week I decided to go right to the source. I took my newest used phone (inherited from my daughter because she couldn‘t live without a touch screen iphone.) to the phone store and purchased a „starter kit“ for ten euros. I guess it‘s like training wheels for people over 40 who have yet to get a cell phone to work. And the nice man at the store put in the sim card for me, and voilà! No, wait, not voilà. The phone told him to enter a top secret code. He told me it would be NO PROBLEM. He said my daughter just needed to put in her pin number… yeah right.
Here‘s the deal. The phone won‘t take any other sims card except the one it was born with. It has to be the card that came from that phone‘s womb, otherwise all phone calls made with said phone will be seriously handicapped, or Albino. Or at the very least ride the short bus.
Imaging my delight when my husband came home from his business trip to China and brought me my very own BRAND NEW phone. Not only is it a phone, it is a Music and Watch Mobile Phone. Wow. This is really like Mission Impossible now! I can literally talk into my watch like James Bond, or the Spy Kids. Too Cool.
I thought it best to read all instructions before doing anything what with my past record and all.
So… The AK09+ color-screen digital mobile watch phone Has Tri-band (no idea), Two button handwriting input (huh?) 1.3 mega pixel camara, FM FM Radio. (That‘s what it says on the box, FM FM) TF Card unlimited expansion (ummm…) MP3/MP4 video player (the screen is 1“ x 1“ so I‘m not so sure about watching a video) WAP unlimited internet access (just in case I want to surf porn and watch it on the big screen) U disc support function and last but not least, Support for multiple languages. PHEW!
In section 1.2 under safety notice it states… and I quote
„In case of leaving a car, you should put the phone in a place where other persons can‘t see. You had better take it with you or put it in the trunk.
Other general notice…
„The use of unauthorized accessory may cause the battery leaked, overheat, broken or fired.
Should not put the phone in the microwave, otherwise it may cause incidents.
Should not put the phone where children cannot touch.
You should shut up the phone in an airplane or a hospital.
You should not use the phone to hit other objects otherwise it may cause screen damaged or it’s liquid crystal leaked. Liquid crystal running into eyes may cause them blind. Once blind, you should rinse eyes (must no massaged) and go to hospital immediately.
Don’t throw the battery into a fire, otherwise the battery may fire or blast.
Don’t put the battery together with necklace.

Okay, I am now well informed, and ready to charge my new phone. I have inserted the battery, making sure the gold contacts are indeed in contact.
It says that when the charger is connected to the phone a charging indication picture will display, Even if my phone is closed. (I guess that means turned off).
There is no picture. There is a red light on the plug. I have left it plugged in overnight. Nothing has happened. It doesn’t light up, it doesn’t turn on… It is mocking me. While it was plugged in all night my drawer full of other cells phones (yes, I have an entire drawer full.) told the new one to roll over and play dead. I can hear them all snickering at me.
I have unplugged it from the wall and have tried to connect it to my computer. That’s how my kids charge their music-pod-thingies. Nothing. I have changed batteries. It came with two. Still nothing. I have tried to charge it with and without a sims card.
Three hours later…
You won’t believe what I have done. I figured since the phone came directly from China, and the Chinese directions are pages longer than the English directions I needed to find a Chinese person to take a look at it. So… I took the whole kit and kaboodle to my local Chinese restaurant.
“Yes, I’d like an order of sweet and sour chicken, two egg rolls, and could you read this instruction manual for me?”
Talk about friendly! They were all too happy to help. I just love foreigners. It’s like we all just need to stick together. I would have NEVER asked a German - and one I didn’t know… Never. (pause for effect) Ever. I don’t want to start German bashing. Let’s just say most (not all) Germans can be… I can’t quite find (or decide) on the right word. I’ll just tell you that I don’t even return things to a store for fear of the Germans. Okay moving right along….
I left the instruction book with the cook. He’s going to read it in between frying up the won-tons. He even said that if it’s broken, he would write a letter in Chinese for me to send it back. Now, I don’t know about you, but I think that is some kind of nice! Yes sir, I do.
Five hours later…
I went back to the restaurant, but they didn’t have any luck either.
She asked me if I had put it in the microwave. I said no. She asked me if I had tried to make a necklace out of the battery. I said no. She asked if I had put it where children cannot reach. I said no. So that pretty much exhausted all of her ideas.
I’m putting my phone in “The Drawer”.
Or better yet, I’ll leave it in my car where people can see it. Complete with instruction manual.